Placebo
by twistedmind29
Summary: The psychics of the Kuwabara family all suffer from the same untimely fate. Kuwabara grew up believing that if he lived righteously he would be spared. Now that he is past the idealism of a child is it enough to save himself?
1. Chapter 1

_**Baby, did you forget to take your meds? **_

"Sooo …where's Shizuru?"

At last, the cursed question.

"What? Oh um…"

Kuwabara had practiced the answer a million times. He had spent countless hours imagining the conversation surrounding his sister; well rehearsed answers. Each contained a clever way to deviate from the topic quickly. Just enough to satisfy, not enough to inform.

_'Shit,' _he had already been quiet for too long.

"You know," He began**,** "She's uh… she's fine." Kuwabara inwardly grimaced.

_Why did nothing ever happen like you imagine it?_

Kuwabara sat alongside the familiar faces from his teenage years. It was a like an old Renkai Tentai family reunion. All were sitting outside Genkai's temple around an oak table. Polish was so infused in the wooden table that its added reflection made the day seem even brighter. Strands of Botan's blue hair kept getting caught on the sides of her lips as she swirled her finger in the icing of the cupcake she waseating. The other conversations had been dying down, and the reconnecting group found less and less in common to talk about. Kuwabara knew it was only a matter of time before his sister's absence, conspicuous yet nominal, became the subject of conversation.

"Oh, I was hoping to see her, it's been so long," Botan said, her pout visible through her wafting blue hair.

"_You won't see her. You can't see her ever again,"_

_Where's Shizuru?_

_Yeah, hey, where is she?_

"Yeah well, you know Shizuru," Kuwabara's mind was racing,.

He was sure everyone was looking at him. He brought forth what was meant to be a rueful smile. Kuwabara panicked; convinced that they could see through his calm façade, yet no one interrogated him further. He picked at a blemish on his wrist that slid open revealing raw new skin underneath.

Quiet chatter commenced in the background. Keiko was talking with Yukina.

Ah, Yukina. Kuwabara watched her, the image of pulchritude. Her laugh was like the shimmering of bells in an ice storm,and her lovely icy hair caressed her shoulders, framing her face perfectly.

Kuwabara watched her from a far, but looked away from her. It was too painful, knowing that…

_Where's Shizuru?_

_Yeah where is she?_

_I know where she is._

…knowing that he could never be with her. His heart pulsed painfully.

_Where's Shizuru?_

_Yeah where is she?_

_I know where she is._

Botan furtively glanced to where Kuwabara's attention was focused. She dipped her finger again in the icing of her cupcake, as if fishing for conversation.

Nudging Kuwabara, Botan winked decided to try her luck once more,

"I haven't seen you talk to Yukina-chan this entire time Kuwabara! I thought you'd be flowering her with attention!"

Kuwabara stiffened. He may have practiced the conversation surrounding his sister from every angle, but this he had not even scrapped the surface. It was too painful for him to think about. Keep a distance. He must keep a permanent distance. She could not, by any means necessary, come to love him. He would not allow it.

_Where's Shizuru?_

_Yes where is she?_

_I know where she is._

_She's never coming back._

_She's been missing for weeks._

At this point Yusuke had come to sit down at the table next to Kuwabara. He slapped Kuwabara playfully on the back.

"Hey guys what's going on?"

"I was just inquiring as to what power in the three worlds has kept Kuwabara away from Yukina-chan,"

Kuwabara had been thinking rapidly since she first asked the question. He picked more ardently at the blemish under the table away from noticing eyes. He tried desperately to think of an acceptable excuse, one that would close the conversation permanently. He could not be asked again. In time he wasn't sure how he would answer….

_Where's Shizuru?_

_Yes where is she?_

_I know where she is._

_She's never coming back._

_She's been missing for weeks._

_It runs in the family._

The only reason he had come to Genkai's in the first place was to maintain the facade of normalcy. He picked harder at the blemish, as he felt his stomach clench involuntarily.

Solution, a solution…

"_No one can know,"_

"Not talk to Yukina? You feeling OK, buddy?

A solution… a solution.

"_No one can know,"_

"The only way I could see Kuwabara not talking to Yukina was if maybe he was infected with some contagious disease,"

_Where's Shizuru?_

_Yes where is she?_

_I know where she is._

_She's never coming back._

_She's been missing for weeks._

_It runs in the family_

"Oh no, Kuwabara knows it wouldn't transfer to a demon, maybe it's an embarrassing rash," Botan teased further.

_Where's Shizuru?_

_Yes where is she?_

_I know where she is._

_She's never coming back._

_She's been missing for weeks._

_It runs in the family_

"Maybe he started hating women, yanno, a message-ist,"

_No one can know_

_No one can know_

"I… um…"Kuwabara began weakly.

"That's a little extreme, don't you think Yusuke? And it's misogynist, "Botan countered.

Pick, pick, pick

"Okay, okay, something less extreme. Kuwabara," Yusuke leaned in towards his friend and lowered his voice.

Facetiously he whispered, "Are you gay, man?"

A solution-sometimes they just fell into your lap.

Kuwabara's eyes widened slightly in surprise. His stomach unclenched and he fought the urge to sigh in relief. He had to carefully deploy his expressions. He had learned quickly that body language told more than words ever would. He could do this; after all he had fooled Urameshi into believing that he had died at the Dark Tournament.

_Being gay_.

It was just taboo enough to discourage further prying.

Kuwabara allowed his eye contact to linger on Urameshi's for a couple seconds too long. He then looked down at the table in submission without saying a word.

"Kuwabara?"

This was perfect. He prepared himself for the act.

Without lifting his gaze Kuwabara muttered, "This is not how I wanted you guys to find out,"

After an appreciable silence he looked up at Urameshi and Botan for added effect. He had never seen Yusuke look so shocked;. Botan's eyes opened enough that the red veins were protruding in the corners.

Kuwabara began to stand. He untangled his legs from beneath the table and began to walk home eyes downcast. He said nothing as he departed, but turned every eye.

Kurama and Hiei walked over to where Botan and Yusuke had been struck silent.

"What happened?" Kurama inquired with a raised brow.

"Um…Kuwabara just told us that… that he was gay…" Kurama's usual aplomb dropped instantly,

"Well…that's unexpected…"

Hiei said nothing, but slipped a glance to his sister's confused expression.

As Kuwabara walked down the thousand chipped concrete steps to Genkai's temple, he heard everyone calling to him in their loudest voices,

_Where's Shizuru?_

_Yes, where is she?_

_I know where she is._

_She's never coming back._

_She's been missing for weeks._

_It runs in the family._

_No one can know._

_No one can know._


	2. Chapter 2

**This is story is 99.9% angst. Yes, I wrote it under some female monthly circumstances. I debated on posting all the finished chapters at once, but then I realized that I'm lazy and usually have writers block- aka I kinda need reviewers to push the story forward :-p sorry friends.**

**Special Thanks to Nurdgurl and Angelus, even though this isn't Hieibara I'm glad you can tolerate it! ^_^**

**CHAPTER 2**

A week had passed since Kuwabara had been at Genkai's. Was it a week?... Maybe it was a month?... Three months?

_It couldn't have been that long… I don't remember being at work that much._

Kuwabara opened his eyes, only to squint with a groan at the bright light protruding through his light green curtains. Green curtains? He must be in the living room. Sure enough when Kuwabara had gotten the courage to attempt opening his eyes again he realized he was lying on his tattered old grey couch. He released another groan as he realized how stiff his neck and body were. Peering down he saw that he was dressed in his button-down white work shirt, which was now completely wrinkled and disheveled from his night on the couch. His black dress pants where undone and he had lost one sock during sleep.

Sleep? He didn't remember falling asleep on the couch…

Kuwabara rose to sitting position and stretched his back. Worriedly, he tried to remember the date.

Sifting through his memories, he recalled signing and dating an important document at his desk.

_Kuwabara Kazuma, 3 May -._

He looked over at the calendar on the wall beside his off white refrigerator. All the dates had been crossed out up to May third.

Kuwabara tried to think of what he had done after his typical day at work. He walked over to the sink to pour himself a glass of water out of the tap. He gazed out of the window above his sink trying to remember…He caught a glimmer of reddish hue from his hair, it spurred his recollection.

A boy. There had been a little boy. He remembered while walking home from the bus station. He had stopped to help a kid. The boy was being teased for his red hair just like he used be to when he was a little. Bright red like a beacon in the middle of a group of circling boys. Kuwabara could almost imagine them drooling like jackals as they circled. In spite of their cackling, the boy had his chin raised slightly in defiance, though Kuwabara could see that his knuckles were clenched. While the boys circled lacerating him with their words, others leaned against the chain linked fence like vultures, far too young for the cigarette smoke ebbing from their grins.

Kuwabara had done the only think he could think, he called out-

"Kazuma!" At the baritone of an adult, all boys turned.

Once he locked eyes with smaller redhead, he raised his hand and called again,

"Kazuma, come on we're going to be late."

He knew his save could hurt the boy's dignity, in order to give him the option of accepting the help Kuwabara turned around and began to walk away, lazy hands resting in the pockets of his dress pants. He kept his pace slow just in case. After a brief pause he heard the unmistakable pattering of beaten old sneakers jogging up behind him.

Once they had traveled several blocks Kuwabara had found a bench, luckily it was only covered in graffiti and not the usual city debris and litter.

Kuwabara pulled his black dress pants up by the knee and sat down with a huff. The boy, in his dirty jeans and sneakers, sat on the crumbling concrete sidewalk directly in front of Kuwabara. He tugged absentmindedly on the grass sprouting stubbornly from the cracks.

"What's your name, kid?" Kuwabara finally asked. The boy obviously still sore about Kuwabara coming to his rescue, supported his face in his hand and gave Kuwabara a contempt look.

"You called me Kazuma."

"It was the first name that came to mind."

"…. "

"Kazuma it is then."

"Kazuma?"

Kuwabara snapped out of his reverie at the sound of his name. He spun so that his back was to the window.

_What the hell is Urameshi doing here?_

Yusuke's head and half his upper body was peaking around the door to Kuwabara's private chambers. He was naked- well his torso was as far as Kuwabara could tell. He bore a sheepish smile.

"I got lonely when you didn't come back to bed. Don't look so shocked … I can be affectionate,"

Kuwabara almost broke the glass in his hand, but thankfully Urameshi wasn't looking at him and failed to notice. He was staring fixedly at Kuwabara's refrigerator. Kuwabara almost died when he stepped out from behind his bedroom door- he was certain that he was going to be completely naked. However, Yusuke was sporting a pair of baby blue boxers. On second glance Kuwabara realized those were _his_ boxers.

Without averting his gaze, Yusuke walked across the room, grabbing a marker from the table on his way over to the refrigerator. Kuwabara finally realized he was not staring at the fridge, but the calendar next to it. He raised the marker,

"Sorry this is a huge pet-peeve of mine. OCD and what have you…"

Squeak, squeak, there goes May 3.

_In his mind's eye Kuwabara saw a flash of Urameshi standing outside his open front door in the pouring rain clutching his jacket to himself._

Squeak, squeak there goes the week of May 3.

_It's this Youkai bullshit… he had said. He could barely hear him over the pouring rain; Kuwabara stepped aside to him in._

Squeak, squeak, squeak- the rest of May.

_Since I've become a demon, I've become… erm unusually attracted to men… and I figured… I knew you'd understand because of what you said at Genkai's…_

The squeaking of the marker was slowing. June 1 had been permanently desecrated by a black X.

_But its more than that… it's like I've been… it feels like… I mean I- I think this awakened attraction has made me realize…_

Squeak, squeak, squeak, June 8 came and went.

_That I think I'm in love with you._

"There." Yusuke stood back and appreciated his work.

In Yusuke's muscular back Kuwabara saw the friction of rubbing skin, tangled blankets and thighs, racing hearts and dripping sweat. Vibrant red splatters of blood on white sheets, from overeager penetration and subconscious biting.

Kuwabara swallowed, his mouth was exceptionally dry. He shifted his thighs testing his lower half. He hadn't been sore walking to the sink; either he wasn't taking or this had not been their first time.

Yusuke cocked his head to look at Kuwabara with a dopey grin on his face. Kuwabara inhaled sharply and his hand flashed to hold his forehead as white hot pain stabbed his cranium. His psychic abilities were making Yusuke's happiness palpable; he was almost drowning in it as they enveloped him. Yusuke was as his side in a second's time, caressing the side of his face.

"What's the matter?" He questioned voice coated with sincere concern. The touch amplified the effect a hundred fold. He almost dropped to the flour, stifled by the waves of concern and worry.

Gasping Kuwabara said through strained breath,

"Let go! Let GO!" He sat like a child against the cabinets, head to his knees clutching the sides of his head. He tried to remember the meditation techniques Shizuru had shown him. The recollection was hazy, incomplete. He hadn't wanted to learn them. He knew he didn't need to. He was so certain he knew how to prevent it; he'd be the first one not to suffer.

"Buddy you're scaring me."

Kuwabara mentally struggled to reign in his psychic reach. He felt sweat drip down his neck as he grimaced with the effort.

"No, I don't know where Shizuru is? Do you have her number? Do you want me to call her?"

"What?"

"You asked me where Shizuru is. Kazuma, you're really worrying me."

Kuwabara almost laughed at Urameshi using his given name, but the urge died immediately at the desperation of his situation. In his pain he had asked for Shizuru without realizing it. He could ask for Shizuru all he wanted, but she'd never come.

Shizuru, like all the other Kuwabara's couldn't fight it anymore.

Yusuke reached for his wrist hesitantly. Kuwabara let him make contact. He had restrained his ability, and the touch was once again innocuous. Yusuke encouraged by the successful contact proceeded to pull Kuwabara to his feet. He brushed him off affectionately. Kuwabara could see that Urameshi was restraining himself; he was dying to comfort and embrace him. Instead, he found his wrist again and led him to the bedroom.

"Come on, you must be tired, that's why you're acting weird. Let's just go lie down."


	3. Chapter 3

**Because I will not have internet for the next week, I give you the next chapter. Sorry for any grammatical mistakes or punctuation, I wanted to get this out before I lose contact with the www.**

**Chapter 3**

Kuwabara woke up at eight o'clock alone in his bed. He dragged a hand over his face, recalling the incredulity of last night, and shook his head in disbelief.

Wait … was it just last night? The last time he had awoken he had unknowingly lost almost a month of time. Loosing time… that was one of the signs, good god this was not happening. Immediately, Kuwabara ripped off the sheets and went into the living room. The dates on the calendar were still crossed off exactly how Urameshi had done previously. He rubbed his face again, as if trying to ease the anxiety out of his head. After rubbing his face red, he finally got up the courage to check the answering machine, the irrefutable evidence- the verification of his fears, that he was in fact loosing time.

In just his boxers and goose bumped skin, Kuwabara approached that telltale blinking red light.

He pushed the button. In a preposterously calm voice the machine's recording began.

_You have forty -two missed messages. Message one: Moshi moshi Kazuma, this is Aikihiro. You didn't come into work this morning, but there wasn't a formal request for leave. We're just calling to make sure everything is alright. Also on your return to work tomorrow please bring a doctor's note or verification of an excusable absence. Click._

_Message two: Hey man, It's Urameshi. I kinda wanted to talk to you about something, maybe we can hang out soon? Play some videos games like old times? Well, give me a call when you get this. Click._

_Message three: Moshi moshi Kazuma, this is Aikihiro again. This is the second day in a row you haven't come into work. Please call us immediately. Click._

There are forty- two of these? Shit… this was not good. Kuwabara put his face in his hands, starring at nothing in the darkness of his palms. He sat like this for several minutes listening to the vocal tug-of- war between Urameshi and his job. When he finally looked up he almost jumped out of his skin. Sitting across from him in his favorite reclining chair was the red headed boy he had saved from the bullies.

Although the boy's appearance had startled him, understanding quickly dawned. The only way the kid could be here, was if he was not _actually_ here.

_The red hair, the fact that Kazuma was the first name to come to mind- He's either a hallucination or a spirit. No, there was no way this was a spirit. He was a spitting image of himself, exactly as he had remembered, a spirit could never mimic this well._

"Kazuma?"

"…hai?"

"So that _is_ your name?"

"…hai."

Fuck.

Loosing time, Hallucinations, two strikes.

_Message 15: Moshi moshi Kazuma, we are giving you one week to return to work. If you are not back by June 1__st__ your position at our company will be terminated._

Kuwabara rose, the kid's innocuous blue gaze never leaving him. He could no longer sit still as the weight of his predicament crushed the air from his lungs. On the way to the sink Kuwabara saw a yellow sticky note attached to his refrigerator door.

_Message 20: Hey Kuwabara, it's Urameshi again. Was wonderin' what you're up to today. Gimme a call._

Kuwabara bent at the waist to read the note which was written in very sloppy Urameshi- like handwriting.

**Kazuma, **

**You look really peaceful sleeping. I didn't want to wake you. Last night you really scared me. Call me at work if anything like that happens again, I don't care what these dickbags say I'll be there in at your door in a sec. **

**Always, **

**Yuus.**

Underneath was in barely legible writing was what Kuwabara assumed to be Urameshi's work number.

Kuwabara sighed and leaned back against the sink. When he realized how reconstructive it was of last night's scenario he moved to stand next to the refrigerator.

"What are you doing here?" He asked his hallucination, his voice not completely empty of malice. He knew why he was here. Why else would the child be here besides the irrefutable fact that he… no he would not allow himself to even think it. He wondered if Shizuru had also had hallucinations of her younger self as well before her disappearance.

"I want to help people," The boy said with unshakable aplomb.

_Oh yes_, he thought sarcastically, he remembered this phase of his life. There was no debating it that was definitely his… what? Kuwabara examined the young features and the preteen confidence, nine year old self?

"Give it up, kid." Kuwabara remarked callously. He went into the bedroom to put some clothes on. When he emerged he wasn't surprised to see the kid still there, looking at him as if expecting something. Kuwabara sighed, and shook his head, as if to dislodge what he was seeing.

"How can I make you go away?

"By helping people. Making them happy."

_You got to be kidding me._

"No, that was _your_ ideology. Spoiler alert, kiddo, it don't work. I'm losing time, I'm hallucinating _you_, I- "

"I know that helping people is the answer. I know making others happy can save me!"

Kuwabara almost laughed at the irony. His hallucination of his nine year old self was giving him tips on how not to be crazy. He remembered all too clearly how optimistic he was. He grimaced as he recalled Shizuru's quick mental decline.

"It's getting worse," the boy persisted, "I know it's getting worse, because I'm you. I can help you, me, I can stop it. And we can start by helping Yuusuke."

Kuwabara's head snapped up.

_No, oh gods no._

"You've been helping him? While I was… unaware?" Kuwabara didn't bother to say it out loud. Correctly thinking the his younger self nodded earnestly.

"You can't do this!" Kuwabara said out loud for effect. After the words left his mouth he felt overwhelmingly tired.

"You can't do this!" He said again with more force.

"I have to do this," Was the only answer he got before blacking out.


	4. Chapter 4

**Woohoo Internet is back on though, its very slow because it's the only version I can afford with all my lovely new bills. First apartment, yay! I'm currently helping out with some research so 90% of my life is dedicated to that and reading papers . . But I'll do my best to update whenever possible. **

**Be warned. All bets are off. This story's gonna get buck wild. If you don't like yaoi, suicide, death, morbid shit, insanity, blah blah blah, you've been warned. Find the back space button.**

**Lastly, I try very hard not to write stories for the reviews, but I can't help but get that warm fuzzy feeling when I see that someone, somewhere has enjoyed the mind vomit that is/are my stories. Moral? I love to hear from you just as much as you love to hear from me. **

**Less than three TM29**

CHAPTER 4

Baby, did you forget to take your meds?

The first thing Kuwabara was aware of was the sharp pain between his eyes and a steady panting breathing. He couldn't see anything. He waited for his vision to clear, aware that his eyes were open by his dazed blinking. Although the pitch black wouldn't leave his vision, the panting became more audible. The numbness of his unconsciousness began to leak out his body as if pulled through a sieve.

As the numbness dissipate and sensations returned, he could feel that his body was lubricated by a cold sweat, as warm slick skin rubbed vigorously against his abdomen. He finally realized that the panting was in rhythm with an unmistakable thrusting inside of him. He felt his muscles expand and contract allowing a phallic object entrance over and over again.

_My God. He had awoken to sex with Urameshi._

Kuwabara could not suppress the groan of panic that slipped passed his lips. His partner, obviously mistaking his auricular sound for pleasure, kissed, licked and bit up his torso. Too panicked to be embarrassed, Kuwabara realized his legs were wrapped around Urameshi's slim hips. He also realized to his mortification, that he was completely erect, and already dripping with precum. It wasn't helping that the body beneath his added pressure and friction to the underside of his cock as it thrusted, not allowing his arousal to deplete. He removed his hands from Urameshi's petite waist and reached on either side of him. He grasped the sheets of his bed in clenched fists, gasping in a deep breath.

The panting came in shorter intervals. Kuwabara tried as he may, could not ignore the pleasure reminiscent of each thrust. He found his body unconsciously arching allowing deeper entrance. He felt the reverberations of his partner's chest as he moaned.

_This was his best friend. He was fucking his best friend. _

Kuwabara feeling his way in the dark found locked arms on either side of him. He followed the length of the arms to broad muscular shoulders. The lips of his partner leaned in again, kissing his chest to encourage the sudden touching of his body and thrusted faster. Kuwabara's entrance tightened in pleasure and surprise eliciting a moan from his partner. He felt the body pick up the pace even more. Kuwabara, lost in the moment, did not realize that the torso of his partner was too small to be Urameshi, that the lips never passed a certain height on his chest.

His body shivered, his orgasm was coming fast. He edged closer and closer to that delicious plunge. And off he went. Finally he was riding the wave of his pleasure; he felt his seed spread between the two rubbing stomachs.

He finished, as his partner's breath became ragged, it started shaking-

"Ka,…Kazuma!"

Kuwabara froze. His eyes widened in the darkness. That was not Urameshi's voice.

Before Kuwabara could utter his name in dismantling shock, a hand pulled Kuwabara's neck down forcefully to usher him into a passionate kiss. He felt Hiei's lips, covered in a light sweat, ravish his in the throngs of his climax.

_Hiei…Hiei… Oh my god, Hiei. I am fucking Hiei. I just fucked Hiei. Scratch that- Hiei just fucked me. And…and… kissed me like a lover?_

Kuwabara felt the smaller male collapse against his chest, breathing heavily. His first instinct was to push him off the bed and onto his ass- to hell with the consequences. He knew that the worst thing he could do right now was explode at Hiei when he had obviously been enjoying himself. He would look… well, he would look insane.

He inhaled deeply, trying to maintain composure over the situation, but almost lost it when he felt Hiei's arms wrap around his torso and bury his face deep into his chest. He exhaled and reached down to gently push away Hiei's arms from his body. Though he knew who lay on top of him the further evidence of Hiei's voice startled him when it broke the silence of the dark.

"Lay with me a moment, Kazuma," it was spoken as more of a request than a demand. "I enjoy listening to your heartbeat."

_First he's affectionate, now he's whispering sweet nothings? Good lord, what the hell was going on?_

"You're heart is still racing. Are you alright?"

_Concern. _

_From Hiei._

_I really didn't know how many more surprises I can take lately._

"I would like to get up for a bit, Hiei," without further question Hiei moved aside allowing Kuwabara to rise. Upon standing he could feel Hiei's eyes caressing his naked body. He shivered. Easily finding his way around his room in the dark, pulled a pair of boxers out of his top drawer as quickly as possible and exited the room, deploying a barrier between himself and the lusting Hiei with his wandering eyes.

Now he knew why Shizuru never cared about the health hazards of smoking. He needed a fucking cigarette. As the intensity of situation bore down on him he allowed himself some morbid if not pragmatic thinking. Shizuru must have always known she would die young, so why not indulge with something to calm the nerves- and by god, did the Kuwabaras need something to calm their nerves. He was so shaken he would have _eaten_ the box of cigarettes if it would relax him.

Once the door was closed behind him, Kuwabara stepped ungracefully into his boxers. With disgust Kuwabara realized the ones he had chosen in the dark had been none other than the pair Urameshi had been sporting. Moving half naked into the kitchen, Kuwabara reached for the draw that held Shizuru's cigarette stash for when she visited.

Lighting it he inhaled deeply. Kuwabara held his face in his hand with the cigarette while the other arm crossed his chest. Exhaling he opened his eyes to see a red headed teen standing not two feet in front of him.

At first Kuwabara was surprised, then he was furious.

"Get. Out." He hissed, lingering smoke leaking from between his teeth. The boy just stared at him.

"I have too many things to worry about without you being here. Like how much time has elapsed _and why the fuck there's a naked man in my room_."

"He's sad. And lonely," Little Kuwabara said, as if explaining to a child.

_He's relentless. This sick ideology he carries, it's immutable. And worse he's a child; he'll never understand why it's wrong._

He did the only thing he could think to do, he took another drag. Kuwabara heard his bedroom door creak. Without exhaling the first, Kuwabara took another drag. Hiei came into the room wearing his signature black pants, but completely shirtless. He leaned against the cabinets adjacent to Kuwabara, and asked,

"Who were you talking to?" without even thinking Kuwabara answered.

"Myself," then laughed at the bitter irony of the statement. Hiei half-smiling remarked,

"Do you often talk to yourself?"

"Only when I'm losing my mind," He answered without looking at Hiei. Hiei thought Kuwabara was staring into space, but in fact he was still looking at his younger self.

"If my being here, and our meetings are causing you distress, we can stop them at anytime."

_Meetings plural?_

Kuwabara had to suppress a groan. However, when he glanced back at Hiei, he was floored. The fire demon's callous demeanor had dissipated. His eyebrows were raised in slightly worried fashion, and his slight unconscious frown spoke a thousand words- _don't leave me, stay with me, be with me, love me._

A sharp pain struck the center of his forehead. Kuwabara immediately raised his cigarette holding hand to rub the spot, he hissed and grimaced at the pain. Then Kuwabara felt longing. He felt a longing so deep and bottomless, he groaned in agony. Kuwabara's psychic abilities were again sequestering the surrounding emotions and making them palpable.

_My god, is this how Hiei feels all the time?_

"…Kazuma?" Remembering how the feelings amplified when Urameshi touched him, he told Hiei to remain still. He really didn't think he could stand to have Hiei's feelings amplified; he already felt smothered with hopelessness and self disgust. There was no light left in the world for him. Kuwabara backed away from Hiei still holding his head in his hands.

"Kazuma, tell me what's wrong," Hiei demanded forcefully, never liking to be out of control.

"I'm alright," He answered. "Just a bit of psychic overload," Why lie? Another wave of emotions bore down on Kuwabara like thousands of pounds of pressure. This was true anguish. Longing, desperation, desolation.

"Oh, Hiei," he moaned, helplessly. He cried the name out of pity, but Hiei took it as a cry for assistance.

"What Kazuma? What can I do?"

Kuwabara glanced up, behind Hiei's bent and worried form, was his younger counterpart, not looking smug or condescending _at him_, but with pity and remorse at Hiei.

Kuwabara knew what Hiei could do to help. He could stop hurting so deeply inside. Was it such a bad thing to give him comfort? To love him? It couldn't be; anything that could diminish that crippling despair had to be good. As if on cue, once Kuwabara made his mental decision to placate Hiei, his headache disappeared. He went to glare accusingly at his younger self, but he had also gone. The strong feeling of being manipulated left a sour taste in his mouth. He collapsed down onto the linoleum floor and leaned against the lower cabinets.

"Kazuma-"Hiei began as he trying to disguise his concern as anger.

"- you can come sit with me, Hiei. Let me hold you." Hiei looked completely taken aback. A light blush crept across his cheeks. However, Hiei's surprise was nothing to Kuwabara's when he actually complied and sat between Kuwabara's outstretched legs, leaning back against his chest.

They sat like that for an hour, before Hiei finally rose, pulling Kuwabara to his feet, and once again leading him towards the bedroom. This time, Kuwabara was conscious for the entire thing.


	5. Chapter 5

**Shesh! It's been awhile! I know have wireless internet! How exciting! So this chapter is long overdo, I had a stroke of inspiration and well, here ya go! Enjoy!**

Kuwabara reached for the face cloth that had fallen to the bottom of the tub. He expertly wrung it out, leaned back against the cool porcelain and put the cloth over his throbbing eyes; he had been losing so much time he had no idea of the last time he actually slept. He relaxed as the hot water stole the tension from his muscles. Mentally he imagined the stress and sin floating away with the steam as he reclined in the wide tub. He had left Hiei in the bedroom. After they had had sex for the second time, the fire demon fell asleep giving Kuwabara some much needed solitude.

Kuwabara audibly groaned enjoying the echo reverberating throughout the small bathroom. He shook the exhaustion and fuzziness from his mind and became engrossed in thought.

::Flashback::

Kazuma was six years old. He was standing on the tips of his toes in order to look out the second story window of his bedroom. It was hard to see anything through the pouring rain, but he was relentless.

"What are you doing?" Without removing his determined gaze from the window he could tell the voice belonged to his older sister, Shizuru.

"I'm looking for when Mom comes home, Dad said she should be back any day now. I want to be ready and tell her how much I missed her."

"Dad said that two weeks ago." Kazuma ignored the statement. A car drove by and he leaned even closer to the glass to get a better look. The car continued on its route, obviously not headed to the Kuwabara household. Kazuma used his drooping sleeve to wipe away the condensation his breath had created.

"Kazuma, just get down." He ignored her again.

"You're such an idiot Kazuma! Mom's not coming back! She's gone! _Forever_! And do you know _why_?" Kazuma clutched the windowsill between his fingers even more tightly. His turned back only infuriated Shizuru more, she began shouting.

"She's gone because she went crazy! Insane! Nutso! She killed herself! She's dead! No more Mommy! And that's what's going to happen to _me _and that's what's going to happen to _you_!"

At this point Kazuma's father burst into the room.

"What's going on in here?" He said looking accusingly at Shizuru. But she said nothing further and stormed out of the room. If Kazuma would have turned around he would have seen how tired and haggard his father looked; there was no way he could have missed the exhausted depression one can only accrue from losing the love of their life.

As he stood glued to the window he waited for his father to tell him it wasn't true. That Shizuru was just lying to upset him. He expected confirmation of what he knew _was_ true- that his mother was finally coming home. Instead he heard his father say gently before closing his bedroom door,

"Kazuma, come on, it's time to stop waiting. Get down from the window."

::end flashback::

Kuwabara sighed as he recalled the memory. It was now more than ever that he cursed himself of his optimism. What was he doing? Had he been so blinded by his hope that he didn't realize the severity of his situation? He was not only fucking one, but _two_ of his closest friends. _And he wasn't even gay_. One of them had fallen in love with him, and the other- well he didn't know if Hiei wanted to love him or kill him.

Shizuru's words echoed in his head.

"Insane! Nutso! She killed herself! She's dead! No more Mommy! And that's what's going to happen to _me _and that's what's going to happen to _you."_

He was disturbed from his reverie by a knock on the chipped and splintered bathroom door swollen from steam. Hiei was awake. He had to quell his immediate urge to send him away.

"_Place nice_," He thought bitterly, "_Or you'll lose time again_,"

"What's up?" He called from the tub. He heard the door creak open. By the time he removed the washcloth from his eyes in surprise, Hiei was already sitting on the edge of the tub, eyes roaming over Kuwabara's long reclined body. He blushed furiously, he was never going to get used to being looked at like a delicious meal to a starving man. Before he could tell Hiei exactly that, he was again shocked when the smaller man arose and began taking off his clothes. Although Kuwabara was not gay, he could appreciate how perfectly lean and proportioned Hiei's small frame was- well everything was in proportion except -he noticed with another blush coming back to his face- his engorged member. Kuwabara vaguely remembered the Christian depiction of demons having tremendous genitals, and wondered if there was a connection. Hiei stepped gracefully into the tub, as Kuwabara unconsciously made room for him. He sat between his naked legs and leaned against his chest displacing enough water so that some sloshed over the side of the tub. However, the mess was the last thing on Kuwabara's mind.

"_Who knew that Hiei could be so affectionate_?" He thought.

"Hiei?"

"Hmm?" He heard Hiei's affirmation rumble through his small body.

He forced himself to bring forth the question. He almost choked on it as he realized with humiliation that Hiei's bottom brushing across his cock was getting him hard. He tried feverishly to remember that he was not gay_, and_ that this was _Hiei_, the pers-demon, that despised him most in the world. But if he despised him, why was he sitting naked in a tub with him?

"Hiei, about how long have we been sleeping together now?" He had tried to word the question in a way that didn't suggest he had no clue what-so-ever. To his surprise Hiei answered immediately.

"Four weeks, and five days."

"Wow well…"

"Are you surprised that I remember? I can recall the very minute you said yes."

Kuwabara felt his draw drop slightly in amazement.

"Why… why do you remember so accurately?"

Hiei shifted against him, brushing his soft skin against Kuwabara groin again. He prayed Hiei didn't notice him getting hard. Oh, what the hell was he worried about? How many times have they had sex already? Finally he spoke up again.

"I've wanted you for a very long time," Kuwabara's next question came from shock and curiosity, not hope or longing.

"Hiei, are you… are you in love with me?"

Hiei dexterously rearranged himself so that his back was on one side of the tub, and Kuwabara was on the other. Now they were facing one another. Kuwabara admonished himself when his member didn't soften. Hiei stared at Kuwabara who shifted under his gaze. Eventually he realized that Hiei had just zoned out in his direction, lost in thought.

"Love is a ningen word that is superficially known to me. Are you asking if I long for you? Yes. Are you asking if I find myself wanted to be by your side? Yes. As I've said I'm only superficially acquainted with the word love, but my only fear of using it wrong in my ignorance would be that it wouldn't express _enough_ how I feel for you, it wouldn't be a potent enough word. What word is there in the ningen tongue that is stronger than love? Find that word for me, the one that suggest limitless, and that is the word I would use."

Kuwabara was speechless. He felt wildly guilty. He had not just led the guy on, he had slept with him multiple times. He wasn't even _gay_. Well… he hadn't been acting exactly like a straight man. He felt his guilt weigh him down as he sank deeper into the tub. More water sloshed over the sides. When he spoke, it was honestly.

"… I never knew. I thought you hated me." He forced himself to meet Hiei's piercing carmine eyes, "Hiei, I don't want to hurt you."

"If you're referring to your relationship with the detective," Kuwabara hadn't even thought of that, "I admit I was jealous at first, but I realized I had no right to be," This was new, Hiei looked slightly uncomfortable, "I spoke to Kurama, he informed me that humans are capricious in their relationships until they mature. As if 'testing' for a suitable mate- _dating_ is the word that I believe he used. He said humans are usually ignorant and it takes a long time for them to find themselves and what they want, even though their lifespan is incredibly short."

Kuwabara's brain felt hazy again. He was so tired. He couldn't only imagine the black bags dragging down the skin under his eyes.

"I don't want to hurt Urameshi either," Kuwabara dipped his hands in the soapy water. He brought his two index fingers and two thumbs together in a makeshift wand and blew a tremendous bubble with the circle. Hiei looked as if he didn't know whether to be annoyed or amused at the childish behavior during a serious conversation. Kuwabara was too exhausted to care.

"What do _you_ want, Kazuma?" He swatted away another bubble, "Stop it, how old are you?"

"_At the moment_?" he thought inwardly.

"I can't think. What I want more than anything right now is- "

'_to stop being crazy_,'

"-to go to sleep,"

Hiei's expression softened, "you do look tired," he said sympathetically, "I haven't seen you sleep in a while. Is it your insomnia?"

"_So is that the lie I've been telling them_?" He lifted himself out of the tub and grabbed two clean towels from the shelf handing one to Hiei. He dared not look even look in the mirror; he could feel how terrible he looked.

"I need you to do something for me." This wasn't good. Kuwabara couldn't depend on other people for the rest of his life, but he needed this one night of sleep- to clear his head. Hiei stood patiently waiting for Kuwabara to continue.

"I need you to watch me sleep," he came up with the lie on the spot, "I think my insomnia is derived from not feeling comfortable being alone; I want you to be with me when I sleep. Most importantly, there is a very good chance I'm going to wake up and start talking to you, want to get out of bed, go do things this is called- "

'_my other personality coming forth_,'

" -sleepwalking. No matter what I say, what I do, especially if I erm… try to seduce you," Kuwabara blushed furiously, but he couldn't risk the possibility, Hiei's devilish smile worried him when he looked up, "you must convince me to sleep or at least stay in bed for about eight hours."

Hiei nodded once, his arms crossed over his chest.

"It's going to be difficult-" Hiei began

"I know, keeping me asleep, don't let me get up-"

"-being in the same bed with you and _allowing_ you to sleep."

"…Oh," Hiei smiled so genuinely Kuwabara's heart leapt.

"I'll do my best to keep my hands off you,"

They walked to the bedroom. Kuwabara was too tired to remove the towel around his waist. He crawled into his bed water droplets dripping from his body. He felt the mattress compress as Hiei got comfortable next to him.

"Hiei?" Kuwabara mumbled, his eyelids were so heavy, "don't leave me."

Kuwabara had already fallen asleep before he could hear Hiei say with compassion in his voice,

"I'll be here, while you sleep, and when you wake up."

**Oh Hiei you're so romantic. Hope you guys liked this chapter! Thanks to Nurdgurl for being so divinely patient ! **

**TM29**


	6. Chapter 6

**This chapter is rated R for swearrrrinnngg. Sentence Enchancers!**

**I Do NOT Own Yuyu Hakusho.**

Kuwabara suddenly became aware of intense burning pain in his hands, and himself yelling. He put a stop to his straining voice as the room around him came into focus. He saw the source of his pain in a flat cooking pan lying upside down on the linoleum floor in front of him. During its fall several of the half baked cookies had fallen creating a trail to the over turned tray. Kuwabara gritted his teeth and shook his hands vigorously,

"_Motherfucker, cocksucker!-"_

"Woah, woah, woah! I've never heard you swear like that!"

Yuusuke was squatting in front of Kuwabara with a rather large bowl of what Kuwabara could only assume to be cold water, he immediately stuck his burning hands in.

"That was some pretty colorful language." Yuusuke eyed Kuwabara with one eyebrow high, "maybe next time you shouldn't try to grab a pan out of a 450 degree oven without a mit?" Kuwabara who was exhausted, emotionally and physically, snapped-

"Well, _why the fuck_ are you over my house baking cookies?" Yuusuke looked completely exasperated,

"Dude, you _asked_ me to! I never even did this girly Martha Stewart crap with Keiko! What are you, five, that you don't know _not_ to reach into a hot oven! _Jesus_!"

Kuwabara said nothing as he nursed his hands, which were beginning to turn carmine red. The embarrassment from his outburst was usurped by his miserable attitude. If Yuusuke was here, then how much time had elapsed? When did Hiei leave? Did he ever even get to sleep? It didn't feel like it…

What bothered him the most was that he had not given any reason for his younger self to come forward. He had thought that by acting the part little Kuwabara wanted him to play, the doppelganger would eventually dissipate. No such luck.

"Urameshi, do you know where Hiei is?" Yuusuke stiffened at Hiei's name. For an instant he looked crestfallen, but he hid it quickly. He rose gathering paper towels to clean up the mess on the floor.

"How should I know?" He snapped. Then after a brief pause, "maybe you should find him, I'm sure he'd _love_ to bake cookies with you," his voice was dripping with sarcasm. Then it hit Kuwabara like a slap in the face.

"_I never even did this girly Martha Stewart crap with Keiko!"_ Urameshi was competing with Hiei for his attention. When did he become such a lothario?

"I'm sorry, Ura-Yuusuke. I'm just irritable because I haven't been sleeping well." At least it was half the truth. He would just have to wait until Hiei came back to find out if he had slept at all or not. He was deep in thought about how he was going to get Urameshi to tell him how long he had been here, when the young man's face was suddenly inches from his. He could smell Yuusuke's familiar scent. The rogue hairs that had escaped his hair gel were tickling Kuwabara's forehead; if he tried he could count the boy's eyelashes. Yuusuke smiled,

"It's fine. You've been really… cute lately. The things you say and do." Yuusuke leaned forward so that his nose was now brushing Kuwabara's.

"It's almost as if you're a different person- a happier person. I really like to see you happy, that's why I agree to this cookie bullshit," Kuwabara felt the corners of Yuusuke's mouth tug into a smile. Yuusuke pressed his slightly chapped lips to Kuwabara's briefly and sweetly. Kuwabara remained frozen accepting the kiss. Yuusuke laughed once nervously and looked downward in embarrassment. Shaking his head he said blushing,

"I'll never get used to kissing you." Kuwabara forced a comforting smile and changed the topic quickly.

"So what's on the agenda for today?" Yuusuke looked at him strangely.

"We're going to see your mom," he said slowly with his eyebrows furrowed. Kuwabara felt bile rise in throat.

"_Cookies, a visit to my dead mother- my younger self must really be having a _grea_t time. Too bad they never found her body_."

Kuwabara wiggled his fingers in the cool water, they pulsed painfully.

"… Maybe we could stay in instead? Rent a movie? Or take a nap…" he started nonchalantly. Yuusuke went over to the freezer and pulled out some ice cubes, he dropped them one by one into the bowl where Kuwabara was nursing his hands.

"Kazuma, you've been raving about this for days," He said searching Kuwabara's face, "why the sudden change of heart?"

"I'm just really tired, can you let it go?" Yuusuke leaned back against the kitchen sink with his arms folded over his chest. He sighed,

"I dunno you seemed so excited about it and I guess after a while I started to get excited to. I mean… isn't meeting someone's parents a huge step in a relationship?" Aha. This on top of him mentioning Hiei must have Urameshi feel like they were regressing.

"_Well, the best lies are intertwined with truth_,"

"Ura-Yuusuke, my mother passed away years ago, I was just talking about seeing her grave, but honestly I just really don't feel up to it." Yuusuke looked incredibly surprised.

"Oh! …. Wow. Well, the way you spoke about her I assumed she was… yanno." Kuwabara shook his head solemnly. His took his hands from out of the water and flicked away the excess droplets. Making his decision he rose and walked over to embrace Yuusuke.

"Listen, Yuusuke," he said with his chin resting on the top of his best friends head, "I want to be alone for a little while, … the thing about my mom has got me down a bit, I'm just gonna nap."

"Are you sure it's not about our fight before?" Shesh, he turned into a lothario and Yuusuke turned into a self conscious chick.

"No, it's not. Promise." Just for reassurance, Kuwabara swallowed his pride and morals to tilt Yuusuke's chin upward to kiss him. Kuwabara felt Yuusuke melt like putty against his chest. He deepened the kiss enjoying Yuusuke's reaction. When Kuwabara pulled away, still cupping Yuusuke's jaw in his hand, Yuusuke stood with his eyes still closed and breathing deeply. Yuusuke's eyes fluttered open, Kuwabara searched his face smiling. Yuusuke had it bad. His nonchalant misdemeanor had completely melted away leaving a bashful, giddy former version of himself. He laughed once nervously.

"Wow, uhm, you sure you don't want me to stay?" Kuwabara smiled and ushered Yuusuke towards the door.

"It's ok, I'll be fine. Thank you for the cookies." He closed the door gently. The second the barrier was up between himself and Yuusuke, Kuwabara fell to pieces. He slid with his back to the door on the linoleum, running his fingers through his hair. His hands protested bitterly at the sudden flexing, and Kuwabara hissed in pain. He had just used a kiss to manipulate his best friend, what was he doing? Who was this person he was becoming? At least both Yuusuke and Hiei were too worried about their own relationships with him and their competition with each other to notice just how different he was being; that it could almost be another person, that it _was_ a different person. Although his sleep deprivation was making his kitchen floor as comfortable as the softest down mattress, he rose with a grunt to grab his jacket. He had to find Hiei.

LINE BREAK

Kuwabara had been strolling mindlessly through the city. Although on a conscious level he had absolutely no idea where to find Hiei for some reason, he knew exactly where to go. He recalled having the memory of Yuusuke coming to his door asking for his love. His younger self had been present for that occasion and yet he had access to the memory- it must work the same way for him, which explains why the little shit so cleverly fooled everyone into believing he was the older Kuwabara.

"_He had picked my actions, quirks, and mannerisms as if out of a card catalogue_. "

He finally found himself at the edge of a quaint park; it didn't surprise him at all. Where else would Hiei stay in a congested city? He had been walking for a good two or three hours and dusk was approaching. All the temporary inhabitants of the park would be leaving to turn in for the night, except for the one.

Kuwabara strolled through the perfectly manicured grass. He briefly glanced at the park benches longingly- if he could just sit for one minute- but no, if he fell asleep he didn't know the next time he'd wake up. He hoped Hiei would notice his energy.

As soon as the thought had finished Kuwabara heard a gentle baritone behind him,

"Kazuma." Hiei was without his cloak; his muscular arms were perfectly exposed by his cut off sleeves. He gave Kuwabara a bemused look, "You've come looking for me."

Kuwabara couldn't even stand still-he was afraid his legs would give out. He beckoned at Hiei,

"I wanted to ask you something- walk with me?" Hiei nodded once, and followed Kuwabara through the cusp of trees.

"Do you remember the day that I asked you to watch me sleep?" Hiei nodded again, "Did I ever actually sleep?" Again Hiei looked bemused.

"Why are you asking me this now?"

"What do you mean?"

"I assumed you had forgotten about it, it's been two weeks." Kuwabara almost fell to the ground.

"Two weeks, _two weeks_?" he muttered in exasperation. Hiei's eyes narrowed,

"Kazuma, what's going on?" Kuwabara put his face in his hands and rubbed feeling back into his skin.

"Hiei listen, I know you care about me and to be honest I'm about two seconds from loosing it," Hiei didn't know exactly what that ningen expression meant, but from Kazuma's restless movements he caught the drift of it. "I need you to tell me everything that has happened from the moment I laid down after we were in the tub until now." Hiei complied if only because of the desperation of Kuwabara's voice.

"You fell asleep the very second you laid your head upon the pillow," Kuwabara almost audibly sighed in relief, "But, you were awake in less than an hour. " Hiei smirked, "you were incredibly affectionate when you woke up, I tried to get you to go back to sleep. When I began resisting your affections, you became more adamant… trying _different_ means to prevent me from getting you to sleep."

Kuwabara felt a blush creep across his cheeks, "Did I ever actually sleep?" Hiei's expression was blank. "Yes. Eventually I got you to, and I've been making sure you sleep every night since- most of the time you are very difficult and waste the entire eight hours protesting."

This kid was taking over his life. He was making him do things he would have never done. He was fucking his best friends to make them happy, but loosing himself in the process. He didn't have a job, and was probably going to be kicked out of his apartment. His younger self's cure for insanity was ironically precipitating it. He was furious, unsettled, exhausted.

"Now are you going to tell me what's going on?" But Kuwabara didn't hear a word he said. Over Hiei's shoulder he saw flaming red hair, and an anger boiled in him like he never knew.

**Uhoh! Chibi-bara showed up! Internal battles gone external? Don't forget Hiei's still standing there! Hope you guys are enjoying this now that I stopped equivocating and got down to some business!**

**Less than three TM29**


	7. Chapter 7

**The denouements are approaching! Unfortunately I want them to be perfect so its taking me a bit. For everyone who stuck through with this strangely angsty fic, thanks you're support really means a lot.**

**A special thanks to my wonderful beta Half A Recess!**

**This Chapter is really short, but more is coming! **

**Don't. Own. Squat.**

**I think that's all. Enjoy!**

Anger boiled inside Kuwabara as his eyes caught the blank expression of his younger self standing a dozen feet behind Hiei. In his rage he completely forgot Hiei's presence, as he bellowed across the bower,

"Stay where you are!" In all of his life he had never felt so disgusted and humiliated with another human being. Not just any human being, he reminded himself,

"_It's me_."

As soon as Kuwabara had broken eye contact with him, Hiei had turned to follow his gaze. He saw no one in Kuwabara's line of vision; Hiei would have waited for Kuwabara to explain, but the unfamiliar tone with which Kuwabara yelled had precipitated his inquiry.

"Kazuma, who are you talking to?" Kuwabara's eyes widened.

It was time. This façade of normalcy was exhausting, and pusillanimous. He could no longer hide his mental degradation; it ran rampant through all facets of his life. Maybe the fact that Hiei was with him now was fate. It made his confession inescapable.

"Hiei-" Kuwabara began, his eyes never leaving his younger self,

"I'll wait," Hiei interrupted. Kuwabara nodded, and began to walk towards his younger self.

"Is it an apparition?" Hiei asked, Kuwabara sighed,

"…Something like that."

As he approached the petulant child that had given him so much difficulty, he clenched his fists and tried to think of a plan of action. Children were supposed to be amenable, right? Maybe he could turn the situation in his favor … if not…

…

"_Where's Shizuru?"_

…

Kuwabara walked the stretch to his younger self that felt miles long.

…

"_Nutso! She killed herself! She's dead! No more Mommy!"_

…

"Sit," he commanded. The younger Kuwabara looked as if he was going to open his mouth protest but thought better of it. He lowered himself to the ground respectfully.

…

"_And that's what's going to happen to _me_and that's what's going to happen to _you_"_

…

Kuwabara half sat half collapsed from exhaustion onto the ground. How many days did a person have to go without sleep and to be considered legally insane? Three? Four?

"_How about a week_?" He shook his head as if trying to empty the thought. He had to be cogent. If this conversation didn't lead to the conclusion he was hoping for…

He felt Hiei sit next to him. It comforted and piqued him at the same time. But perhaps Hiei could draw his own conclusions, which would make letting go much easier… He began before his thoughts could stray again,

"I thought we had some kind of understanding? As long as I acted accordingly you'd let me have control?"

His younger self looked slightly guilty, but remained adamant,

"I started thinking I could do a better job of saving you from your insanity."

"YOU'RE PART OF MY INSANITY!" Kuwabara yelled exasperated, "You're entire ideology is counterproductive!"

The boy shook his head contritely and wouldn't catch Kuwabara's eye.

"There's a reason you've been losing more and more time, something you're not aware of." Kuwabara felt his mouth go dry. It felt as if Hiei and the rest of the world were miles away, living perfectly, quietly, serenely. Completely unaware of the maelstrom that was his psyche.

"…what am I not aware of?"

"Well, … I'm not the only one who's trying to save you anymore." At first Kuwabara didn't understand, but suddenly his eyes widened in comprehension.

"Oh my God, how many?" When his younger self didn't respond immediately, Kuwabara realized with woe, that he was counting.

"There are now 38 of us sharing time,"

"MY time you mean! MY life." The boy continued over Kuwabara's interruption,

"They're each a different age-"

"They're all inherently younger than me, that means they all think like you," he muttered.

"We're each going to have a day," Kuwabara's stomach dropped to the floor. He knew arguing wasn't going to work. Hopelessness washed over him like a cold rain.

"Why am I awake today?"

"Erm… sometimes when someone can't handle the situation, they figure you're the oldest, so _you_ can,"

"So I'm the "Go-To" guy for sex and pain?" The young Kuwabara wouldn't catch his eye, so he continued his train of thought, "And I'm going to be conscious every 38 days… that's it?" His voice started to sound raspy as he tried to accept the new information.

"Well… maybe not every 38 days," Kuwabara put his face in his hands, "… more are being divided everyday…" When Kuwabara looked up again, his younger self was gone. He could hear the blood pounding through his ears.

He wondered faintly what other people were doing on this beautiful day. Some were probably working, counting the minutes to freedom. Some were doing mundane yet placid things like shopping. While he…

Well, he now had twenty-four hours to plan his own death.

"_If I even have that amount of time_…" When Hiei's hand grasped Kuwabara's shoulder he startled, whirling around to face him with wide eyes. Kuwabara put his face in his hands and inhaled deeply. When he looked up Hiei was watching him with a careful eye, waiting ever so patiently.

He couldn't even try to think of an explanation for Hiei. A lie, the truth, nothing- when he finally was able to make his lips move, it was as if the words chose themselves.

"I lost," He said simply.


	8. Chapter 8

**This is the final chapter. **

**A special thanks to Half a Recess, Dark Dragon Dreamer and Nurdgurl for their undying support in this rather despondent and desolate fic.**

**I do not own YuyuHakusho.**

**This final chapter contains the song that inspired the entire thing. In which case, I do not own Placebo, or the song Meds.**

**TM29**

"_I was alone, falling free,_

_Trying my best not to forget_

_What happened to us, what happened to me_

_What happened as I let it slip_,"

Kuwabara did not know how he stood up. He felt that every cell in his body was devoid of energy, and now completely stripped of hope as well. It was strange; with everything lost he was empowered. His legs shook with the effort, but somehow they managed to support him and would until he his perfidy ended their life source.

Suddenly the world became more real. He heard all things of the night more clearly. He could feel the dried dirt clinging to the creases of his jeans as his perfunctory pats tried to dust them off. He cherished every sound and the crisp air blowing against his chilled skin. Did it hurt to die? What did it feel like?

_I was confused by the powers that be,  
>forgetting names and faces,<br>Passers by, were looking at me,  
>as if they could erase it.<em>

When he felt comfortable that he had collected himself, he turned his gaze to Hiei who had been watching him solicitously. To his surprise a smile came easily to his lips.

_Baby...did you forget to take your meds?  
>Baby...did you forget to take your meds?<em>

"Hiei, I have to go for a while," It was finally at this point that Hiei lost his temper.

"Don't be so laconic it doesn't suit you," he said viciously. Kuwabara's grin spread.

"Ok, I won't be _laconic._ Hiei, you're worried about me- that's why you're so angry. You don't know what's going on or what to do, and it's not often you're at such a loss."

Hiei was about to speak, but Kuwabara silenced him with a weary wave of his hand.

"I dunno know what to do either. But, honestly… I think this is the most flattering way you could have expressed your feelings for me," A slight blush crept across Hiei's cheeks.

"All the things I've been doing for you have been so out of character," Hiei chuckled mirthlessly, "It's funny that snapping at you and being _back_ in character is what you'd see as a display of affection."

Kuwabara smiled faded slightly, "I like to hear you laugh."

Hiei changed to topic quickly, "You said, 'Leaving for a while,' you meant leaving permanently."

Kuwabara's smile faded completely, as he tried to look anywhere but Hiei's face.

"Yeah, when I leave today it's gonna be forever,"

"Today?" Hiei's arms dropped to his sides in surprise. Kuwabara gaze caught Hiei's uncertain one dead on.

"Yes. Today."

_I was alone, staring over the ledge,  
>Trying my best not to forget,<br>all manner of joy, all manner of glee,  
>and our one heroic pledge.<em>

"YOU'RE A FOOL!" Hiei exploded, simultaneously, Kuwabara's head erupted with pain. He cried out in pain. His pupils dilated he fell to his knees.

Kuwabara felt Hiei's anger subside and turn into concern. The palpable concern ran through every vein in is body and choked each artery.

"No!" He gasped; he wouldn't allow his last day to be adulterated. With every ounce of strength he had left he pulled in his psychic reign again. He withdrew his reign faster and faster, as Hiei's stifling concern diminished.

He lay prostrate on the ground, having no recollection of falling in the first place. He felt Hiei's arms interlace him in order to help him roll over and to sit up. He felt Hiei pull him up against him, it was nice to be the one supported.

"Hiei I can't live like this anymore, this isn't even living," Hiei sat silently trying to digest his words. With great effort Kuwabara moved his position so that he could look at Hiei.

"I didn't want to lay this burden on you, and more importantly I didn't want to hurt you-"

"Stop equivocating and spit it out," Hiei interrupted, "If you've forgotten we're working with limited time- my feelings are not on the list of priorities."

"But they are!" He said indignantly. Hiei smirked,

"Flattering. Now shut up and tell me what's been going on." Kuwabara's mouth was slightly agape in surprise, but the surprise turned to seriousness as the grim situation return to his forethoughts.

"My inherited psychic abilities are driving me- have driven me insane. I can't control them any longer. I don't know if it's terminal, but I refuse to … have my pride striped as some perverted idea of my former self flaunts around in my skin."

"You've been… you've been…" Kuwabara had never heard Hiei stutter before. He looked crestfallen… almost…devastated. What Kuwabara had been trying to hide from him finally became evident.

"You never… the night in the bathtub when you asked me how long we'd been … _together_… you honestly had no idea, did you?" Kuwabara blushed furiously, and said in a low whisper.

"Before the bathtub,… that was my first time with a man…"

"But we had been- oh…"He stopped short and suddenly looked embarrassed with himself. After an awkward pause he finished weakly, "you… handled the situation well, I had no idea."

"I didn't want you or Urameshi to know what's been going on. I thought I could stop it; find some kind of cure," a brief nuance of determination crossed Hiei's sullen features.

"Can't we find help? Genkai? Shizuru?" Kuwabara felt like a dam that was ready to overflow. He had already felt Hiei's internal turmoil, causing more was killing him. At the mention of Shizuru a tear slid down his cheek.

"Shizuru has been dead for over a year now. I would know the exact date, but like my mother her suicide came after her disappearance. I suppose they wanted to die abruptly and with dignity. Remembered the way they were, and with their bodies never found." Hiei looked completely taken aback at the news of Shizuru's death. He had never imagined…

"I used to whine to Shizuru when I was little saying it wasn't fair. She'd say, '_life isn't fair_,'…" Kuwabara smiled faintly in reminiscence, "then I'd say, '_why can't it be unfair in my favor_?'"

Hiei's expression darkened. He sat with his legs folded and his arms resting on his thighs. He opened his mouth twice to speak, and finally asked,

"Do you remember when you told me you loved me?" Before anything could be misinterpreted Kuwabara grabbed Hiei's wrist. Hiei still refused to look at him; all the same he needed him to stay for just a little longer.

"No, I don't," He felt Hiei's hand begin to tug away and finished quickly and sincerely, "But I know that I meant it. I know that I do."

"If these weren't my last moments with you, I'd leave."

"I understand and I appreciate every second. I _myself_, my ... REAL self has come to love you, if it means anything." Kuwabara turned Hiei's face toward him gingerly. "There is no living person that I would rather be here with."

That was honest. Kuwabara needed Hiei's pragmatism and loyalty. He knew his personality would deter others from suspicion and investigation. Yes, thank God for Hiei.

Hiei understood that part of Kuwabara's relief came from the fact that he could hold himself together. He recalled the episode at that dark tournament in which Kazuma had faked his own death. The detective had completely fallen apart. He became irrational and uncontrollable like a tidal wave. If he had been the one here, in Hiei's place, he knew he would do everything in his power to stop Kazuma. Hiei grappled with perturbing ambivalence. He loved that it was he that Kazuma wanted to be here, but knew it wasn't due to pure affection.

"What do you need me to do?"

"Nothing, that's the beauty of it. Don't tell nobody nothin'," He said stretching his arms behind his head, his expression turning into quiet acceptance, "The only person it will be hard to deny will be Urameshi, when he finally realizes I've been missing and will rage like a bull. Let's hope Koemna will tell him, that way the messenger is immortal."

He looked pointedly at Hiei, "You know it would destroy him if he knew that you were with me in my final moments, and not him. You can never tell him about this."

"I'm not that cold."

_How it mattered to us, how it mattered to me,  
>and the consequences.<br>I was confused, by the birds and the bees,  
>forgetting if I meant it.<em>

Kuwabara stood up for the last time. His vision tunneled briefly. He was so tired. The exigency he had felt earlier had dissipated.

"Thanks for being here for with me. I would have had to do this regardless, but- "Hiei just nodded. Kuwabara turned away from Hiei.

"I want to keep you here. I want to tackle you to the ground and make you stay. I want to rip off your clothes and convince you to love me."

"I do love you."

"Don't leave."

"You know I have to, and I know you'll let me." Kuwabara began walking away. Each step felt lighter. He almost felt high from the lack of sleep and the adrenaline wearing off. The grass spread beneath his feet as he walked out of the park and under the shiny black night sky. He let his feet lead him to his mother and sister.

Hiei never moved from the spot where he watched Kazuma walked away. For hours he was afraid that if he moved he'd be after Kazuma in a heartbeat, telling him to stop this nonsense. There was a cure, there had to be.

Dawn broke, forcing the last shadow to leave the bower. People rose to the new morning, greeting the day, unaware that the world was now devoid of Kazuma Kuwabara.

Baby..did you forget to take your meds?  
>Baby..did you forget to take your meds?<br>Baby..did you forget to take your meds?  
>Baby..did you forget to take your meds?<p>

And the sex and the drugs, and the complications.  
>And the sex and the drugs, and the complications.<br>And the sex and the drugs, and the complications.  
>And the sex and the drugs, and the complications.<p>

**.**


End file.
